1. A Romulan baddie that looks to Mike Tyson for decorative body art inspiration? All that face tattooing looks ridiculous. With that bald head and dumb sorcerer’s ass staff, he looks and sounds more like Merlin from “Excalibur” with a Ukrainian lilt than galactic villain numero uno. Mind you, Romulans do have big, tasty-looking ears. Oh, and he’s a Romulan named Nero? Has the creative well run that dry? Let me guess they are “saving” the Klingons for the bigger, badder sequel?
2. Winona Ryder as Spock’s mother. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. And More Dumb. Granted “Heathers” was released in 1988, but come on is she (and by consequence me) that old? Couldn’t they have found someone really, really, really old like Teri Hatcher to do it? I hope Kraft services locked up their tableware between takes or production could go into overrun.
3. If we have learned anything from George “ruined-my-youth” and “stole my money” Lucas, it’s that prequels to established franchises generally suck. Because, well we know the destination and are usually bored by the ride to it. Especially when they start out with lifeless, blonde preteen twigs.
4. Judging by the trailer the refreshed “Star Trek” is a blow ‘em up piece of space refuse aimed at the “Twilight” drones, and not a cerebral and allegorical consideration of xenophobia, colonial interventionism and discovery - that would have been too timely and relevant.
5. Let’s. [Pause]. Be. [Pause]. Honest. [Pause]. Shatner was no man’s man, but this tool Chris Pine (who plays the new Kirk) is straight from the Spencer Pratt school of douchiness. Clearly a degenerate pussy who is “snuck aboard the Enterprise” for its maiden voyage – blech.
6. The inside of the Enterprise now looks overpopulated, disorganized and hyperkinetic, to quote one source who has seen the extended preview. What’s more infuriating is the bridge looks like it was styled by Steve Jobs’ industrial designer. Come on, it’s the 23rd Century not the Apple Store in Manhattan circa 2002.
7. It’s taking too many liberties with the Roddenberry character definitions: Kirk was a nut for horses more than horsepower, he banged everything he could get his hands on (granted the jury is still out on this in the new version), and he was an self absorbed pri@k who was happy to use his endless supply of Red-Shirted grunts as bait. More importantly, I am pretty sure I saw the new Spock getting all emo on Kirk’s spunky ass in the trailer. Enough said.
8. It’s written and directed by JJ Abrams, the king of the let down. “Cloverfield.” Sucked. “Mission Impossible: 3.” Sucked. Season 3 of “Lost.” Every episode of “Alias.” Sucked. Apparently, the only thing quality he can churn out are teaser trailers … the “Star Trek” teaser with the JFK speech overlaid as The Enterprise underwent construction was dark, ominous and altogether positively riveting (pun intended). “Coverfield’s” sleek and foreboding “no monster show” piqued our curiosity. Both amazingly employed the more is less approach to great effect. Unfortunately, “Cloverfield” was a nauseating shame and “Mission Impossible: 3″ a waste of space.
Judging by the extended, second “Star Trek” trailer, things are not looking so good. You have to wonder about his commitment to Roddenberry’s vision when Abram’s himself has gone on the record saying (at the Rome preview screening for insiders), “’Star Trek’ was never my thing.” Jesus Christ, that is all I have to say on that.
OK, so Letterman had the cast on to give a sarcastic top ten list of reasons to watch the last season of “Battlestar Galactica” while back.
Here’s my 7 reasons to watch the final 10 episodes of “BSG,” the show that Newsweek said “captures better than any other TV drama of the past eight years the fear, uncertainty and moral ambiguity of the post-9/11 world” an that “always finds ways to challenge the audience’s beliefs.”
“BSG” will undoubtedly be ready for torrenting on late on January 16th. Stoked.
1. To discover if the armistice between Lee and D’Anna will hold
A minor point here in the overhaul plot and narrative of the series, but I’m still eager to learn if D’Anna really will hold up her end of the truce and help the Galactican’s get to earth.
2. To listen to old Eye-patched frak a few more times
The only thing that comes close to as much fun as hearing Colonel Tigh growl his trademark “frak me” might be “The Wire’s” Senator Clay Davis’ incantation of his catchphrase “Shiiiiiidddddd.” I know I’m sure going to miss telling everyone I know to “go frak themselves” for three days after each episode. Tom Cruise, you and your Valkyrie eye patch got nothing on this one. Big Saul had his eye popped out by a Cyclon, you just had yours blown out in a blast. Pussy fraker.
3. To find out if Thrace and her Viper have fulfilled the prophecy
A spaceship that communicates with the almighty and can fulfill a divine prophecy that Kara will lead her people to Earth? Uhm, suuuure. I suppose if 2 billion people believe a man was reborn after three days and ascended into heaven to save our souls, a prophetic viper isn’t all that implausible. N’est pas? No matter, I need to know.
4. To learn who is the last of the final 5?
Anders, Tyrol, Athena/Boomer, Tory and Tigh have all been outed as four of the final five humanoid Cylons, but we know there are 13 in all. Who, or what, is the last of the final five? Thrace? Lee Adama? Baltar? Or someone we’ve not yet been introduced to? It just better not be some dumb-ass Gobots/G-Force pseudo Holy Trinity type thing where they all join together to make up the fifth. That will really piss me off. You hear me Ronald Moore?
5. To follow the humans’ conversion to Cylon monotheism with Baltar as their messiah and live happily ever after
I’m not buying this hypothesis for a minute. Sure, the humans may cast off their plurality of gods, but I don’t think they will be holding hands with the Cylons round the family Christmas dinner table anytime soon. The Cylons are done for, they’ve served their purpose to humanity: helped them reach Earth and acted as the catalyst for its adoption of a Christian-like monotheism. And since their last Resurrection ship is gone bye-bye, my predication is so too will the last of the humanoid Cylons. Buh-bye.
6. To see if they have really reached a destroyed, scorched Earth
But is it really Earth, the scorched, irradiated planet they discovered at the mid-season point? If it is, then put another feather in the hat of this brilliantly, apocalyptic series. Nothing comes easy to these poor souls. We all assumed they would discover Earth, and the welcome arms of mankind, in the final episode. Who knew it was “gonna go all ‘Planet of the Apes’” on us?
7. To watch sexy Cylons, of course.
Last but not least the reason I began watching this series in the first place is the final reason I want to watch the final 10 episodes: Smokin’ hot Cylons. Thankfully the producers were smart enough to cast Tricia Helfer, Lucy Lawless and Grace Park and not the hideous mugs of the likes of Kathy Griffin or Sandra Oh as our lovable Cylons. w00t Ron Moore.
Sometimes it’s a desperate plea to be taken seriously (Meg Ryan, “In the Cut”), sometimes it’s because you’re washed up and it’s the only way to get work (Heather Graham, “insert name of every movie she has ever done”), sometimes it’s the rite of passage of a young starlet earning her stripes, and sometimes it’s just to show off Dr. Weinstein’s excellent handiwork. Whatever the reason, we’re glad it happens. And so, without delay, here’s my awards for the 13 Best Celebrity Skin Scenes of 2008. And why. Enjoy. Oh and it is SFW.
13.Most “Jaw Dropping”: Amy Smart in “Mirrors”
I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call Smart an actress, really, given her oeuvre of Ryan Reynolds type crap. In this “jaw dropping” (if you’ve seen the movie you’ll appreciate the pun) scene, however, Smart (who came to fame in in the Tom Green gem “Road Trip”) looks pretty good without her kit. Too bad it’s ruined by such a disgusting display of gore. I can accept gore … when it’s in a good movie. Not this mind numbing pap.
12. Most debated: Alyssa Milano in “Pathology”
“Pathology” was a little seen but amusingly effective bit of a horror camp. And in true Milano post-that-witches-series-fashion she lends her weight and breasts in a cameo role. Fair enough, it’s no reprise of her “body” of work from “Embrace of the Vampire,” given that her character is dead and awaits an autopsy when her assets go on display, it’s still another display of an actress sinking low to get a role when no one else wants her. (Note: there is some online debate as to whether it is actually Milano or a dummy stand in … for the nude seen not her acting, that is).
11. Most infuriating: Penelope Cruz in “Elegy”
Back to Almodovar fashion Penelope Cruz goes the full Montesquieu in this overly arty flick. Sure, Cruz has never shied away from showing her stuff, but seeing the sexy bald beast Ben friggin’ Kinsley gropin’ on that, made me wanna ralf. Itzhak Stern from “Schindler’s List” should never (ever) be doing love scenes. It’s just not right. Period. If there needs to be a line where artists draw a line for their art, yup, this would be it.
10. Most gratuitous: Eliza Dushku in “The Alphabet Killer”
I can’t decide which is dumber: that the producers of this b-movie believed that we’d accept crappy actress Eliza Dushku as a police detective or that she thought it a wise career move to show her (quite nice) breasts in a completely gratuitous (no, not all are) tit shot. You tell me. Maybe it explains how she got an associate producer credit on this dreck.
9. Most Heather Graham in ‘08: Heather Graham in “Adrift in Manhattan”
Graham is now the go-to girl for one-time A-listers who’ll do nude for next to nothing. While that infamous DTV video flick she did with the Fiennes guy will be hard to surpass for sexiness, this one comes pretty close. Then again, her career-establishing role was as the porno star Rollergirl in “Boogie Nights.” How prescient.
8. Most waited for: Anna Paquin in “True Blood”
I sat next to Anna Paquin at a LaGuardia Airport gate for two hours one day in September 2006 (she was headed to T.O. for TIFF). Little did I know then it would be in just two years the Oscar-winner would be willing to show her stuff for a TV series. With the character name Sookie Stackhouse, Paquin probably didn’t need to be a mind reader to know a little skin would be required. Good on her.
7. Most painful to wait for: Keira Knightley in “Silk”
Like her British Isles counterpart Kate Winslet, Knightley seems to have the formula down pat: get into a period piece with accurately and ad intricately designed costumes, promptly get them off, guarantee yourself an Oscar nomination. It may not have worked for this dreary snoozer by a Canadian director who made one good movie about 15 years ago, but not every successful formula is 100% perfectly foolproof. Keep trying ladies.
6. Most redundant because we see them all the time: Kate Winslet in “The Reader”
Has Winslet ever made an Oscar-y movie without, as the Brits would say, getting her kit off? Me thinks not. “Titanic,” check. “Quills,” check. “Little Children,” check. “Holy Smoke,” check. And the list goes on. Nevertheless no instance to admire these titanic ta-tas goes overlooked, and besides, a dreary holocaust flick like this needs something to alleviate the tone, yes? And there’s nothing like nipple to do it.
5. Most ruined by nasty hair: Natalie Portman in “Hotel Chevalier”
This was an online companion piece to “The Darjeeling Limited.” And what better way to bait traffic than by promising a fully nekked Natalie Portman sequence? It worked. Too bad she has that GI Jane haircut. No matter how hard you try to imagine it otherwise man cuts on babes always ruin perfectly good nude scenes. She used a blonde wig in “Closer,” couldn’t she have humoured us this time out?
4. Most career humiliating: Neve Campbell in “I Really Hate My Job”
Back in the “Party of Five days I thought she was hot. Then she did that ridiculous James Toback tit-flick masquerading as art (like all of his pretentious crap), and I lost my appetite (and lunch) for her. Remember when she was the next “It” girl on the cover of Time? That feels about as long ago as web sites using horizontal scrolling. Anyhow, her career hit another all time low this year in this dismal wreck that sees her (and us her) topless in a restaurant full of unsuspecting onlookers. The poor souls just paid for a very good lunch that they’re undoubtedly about to loose.
3. Most Forn-shadowing: Laura Ramsey in “The Ruins”
Probably my favorite horror movie from 2008 (if you haven’t seen it, the leg amputating scene for gore aficionados is a must live through) stars Laura Ramsey from “The Real Cancun” and in it gives a nice bit of forn-shadowing (I made that up, yes, but in horror movies it’s always the girl who either a) fornicates or b) shows breast early on that usually bites it first: hence the portmanteau of fornicating and foreshadowing) at the 17 minute mark.
2. Most desperate attempt by Septuagenarian director to see some Orange County skin: Mischa Barton in “Closing the Ring”
Richard Attenborough the legendary lenser has a number of proud career achievements on his C.V.: he directed the celebrated ’82 Oscar winner Ghandi,” he duped Peirce Brosnan into going “full Indian” and humiliating himself in “Grey Owl,” and he got “O.C” star Micha Barton to go full nude in “Closing the Ring” in 2008. Thankfully it wasn’t costar Shirley MacLaine that geared down … I don’t care which of her many lives the aged coot is in - I never, ever, want to see her naked. w00t Attenborough.
1. Most, bestest: Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler”
To be frank, at 44, Tomei seems to be like wine, the more vintage it gets the better it looks. Showcasing a much better bod than the one buried under those early ‘90s floral stretch pants in “My Cousin Vinny,” Tomei’s “Wrestler” role has us captivated. And as amazing as Mickey Rourke’s performance as “the used up piece of meat” in “The Wrestler” may be, it’s Tomei’s giving it all for the camera that has (likely male) audiences standing and cheering.
Interestingly enough, after the Supporting Actress Oscar curse sent her to the silver screen sidelines for a decade, in this role as a mostly naked stripper and in last year’s equally-nudeworthy “Before the Devil Knows Your Dead” has brought her back to the fore. To be honest, simulating doggy with Seymour Hoffman is worthy of an award unto itself. Yuck. It may not have worked for Meg Ryan who went in the buff for “In the Cut,” but sometimes older actresses just need to show some rack to get their careers back on track. No one ever said Tinseltown was fair.
Special Mention: While not a nude scene by any means, a special jury prize goes to the increasingly hot Hilary Duff for making dropping a live scorpion in her pants in “War Inc.” one of the hottest movie moments of 2008.
This is my list of the best movies I’ve seen this year. Not the list of THE best movies of the year … because, well, I have not seen every movie released in past 366 days, so who am I to say these are the actual best movies of the year. Plus, I’m no movie critic, so it really doesn’t matter what I think.
There’s a LOT of other movies I saw that were cool, like “Tropic Thunder,” “The Dark Knight” and “Iron Man” and “Wall-e,” but in the end they are all really just more of the same. Things blow up, animated characters look like the love child of E.T. and No. 5, etc.
I have not yet seen “Doubt,” but I did see “Frost/Nixon,” and while entertaining it’s not the masterpiece some make it out to be. It just made me want to go watch the real ting on YouTube.
Why 8, not 10? I have no idea. But you are under the strictest orders to NOT ask me how many of these I paid to see in the theatre.
Let the Right One In From its drained color palette and frozen and bleak late ‘70s Swedish winter setting, this low budget parable takes vampirism seriously and asks the question: what if I were an awkward 13 year-old vampire, alone, with no friends, what would it be like? Its simple plot draws parallels with real life and offers a super cool finale.
Funny Games Make no mistake there’s absolutely nothing funny about anything in this Michael Haneke remake of his own Austrian film chronicling the torment and murder of an entire family in the Hamptons. I loved this one for the tension and awkwardness evoked by the two creepy white clad villains. When you get to the famous “rewind scene” it’s when the movie shines, and catches you up in the very trap of exploitative and violent culture it’s trying to expose. It’s “Straw Dogs” but with out the shotgun retribution.
4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days I don’t know about you, but I love pretty much all movies made by European filmmakers that are set in Soviet-era Eastern Bloc nations. There’s just something about the bitter coldness, the grey drabness and utter malaise of the mise-en-scene that adds a gravitas and weight to the subject matter that American movies just can’t hit right. This one, set mid ‘80s Hungary centers on the attempt of a pregnant student and her friend to acquire an illegal abortion, and the depths they have to get it? There’s an impactful scene that shows the “doctor” preparing for the procedure with an unmoving camera that is harrowing. Is this movie a metaphor for the effects communism has on the human spirit? Or a testament to that spirit itself?
Hunger This brilliant and artistic film chronicles the final weeks in the life of Irish Republican Hunger Striker Bobby Sands in the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland in the early ‘80s. As Sands wastes away in an effort to bring international sentiment against the occupying British, the movie not only biographies the inmates’ brutal treatment but considers the weight of the prison experience on the guards as well as the prisoners. For me what made this movie shines is the 20 minute conversation between Sands and his priest in which they debate the religious and political virtues of his planned strike (shot with a singe, unmoving, camera angle) and the grisly final 20 minutes without any dialogue at all.
Slumdog Millionaire A by-the-book story but with an amazing gimmick that on the surface sounds ridiculous, but watching I found to be a captivating experience. By now everyone knows the plot of this ingenious story, but the movie is a brilliant showcase of the two Indias that currently coexist: the modern call centre utopia of the upwardly mobile and educated and filthy slums of low caste civilians who’ll never get the chance to live their dreams, or for that matter aren’t afforded the luxury of having dreams.
Lust, Caution Some may consider this a 2007 movie, but I saw it this year so on the list it goes. Not only does it give me the chance to see some pretty nifty sexual acrobatics, it is also a pretty intense espionage thriller set in WWII-era Shanghai, in which a young woman must first deceive then arrange the set up for the murder of a powerful political figure. Like all Ang Lee (“Hulk,” “Brokeback Mountain,” etc.) movies this is about outsiders trying to fit in to the culture to which they were born. You need patience for this slow moving one, but its worth it, and besides every frame looks like a Renoir.
Rachel Getting Married Sure Anne Hathaway (hot) is getting all the Oscar attention as a recovering addict in this one about Rachel’s wedding day, but the movie isn’t really about her at all, it’s a metaphor for a country like American coming to terms and getting comfy with its multiracial status. It highlights the cool parts of weddings that are less about God and more about celebrating two people getting hitched and sharing the experience with family and friends.
The Bank Job Now this is a cool heist movie that stays focused on what it is, and what it’s suppose to be, about. And to that end it avoids the gimmicky showboaty editing and art direction seen in so many American and Guy Ritchie movies and just drives its narrative forward in clear, certain terms. It offers a touch of political intrigue without getting overly complicated and convoluted (apparently it is based on a true story that MI5 had buried in 1971) and gives us the mechanics of the operation in trusted genre fashion without denying plausibility. Brilliant, efficient movie making.
Picking on Amy Winehouse may be a bit passe to some, but scaring colleagues and friends with a “Winehouse across the inbox” never goes out of style. Call this an open love letter to freebasing, an ode to the overdose, here’s my 20 favourite Amy Winehouse moments captured in this neat bundle of digital phlegm …
19
Not the worst of the worst so it comes in at No. 19, but it is a good prelude the upcoming horrors.
18
This is less rock star and more New Orleans shemale. Shudder.
17
Amy Winehouse - smoking hot.
16
Imagine bringin’ this specimen home to mom.
15
It’s no surprise that she is bananas
14
Every good girl has cuss on their face. Blech.
13
Yes that is heroin powder in my nostril. Yummy heroin monster, nom, nom.
12
A rose by any other name is still a heroin fiend.
11
Rebel without a coke pipe.
10
I just did a dirty all by myself.
9
Ehh, what you looking at f-ckface?
8
Be-CUSS I can. No makeup can fix this mess.
7
Argghhhhh, I eat children.
6
Please sir, can I go, I think i just pee’d myself.
5
Here’s hoping Lacoste didn’t pay for this promotion.
4
Your penance is eight Hails Marys and 10 speed balls.
3
The Phantom of the Overdose is here.
2
For the obvious reasons.
1
Jayzuz, who keeps their pet tarantula in their pants?
This is a re-post of a piece I wrote for CTV last year on the most controversial moments in pop music history. Like all good controversy-list pieces it garnered quite a bit of press attention and I got to do a number of radio segments on various local stations to talk it up and promote CTV.ca.
While one could argue that Radiohead’s precedent-setting free release of “In Rainbows” was controversial, not too much else divisive has happened in pop music since this list was published. Well, OK, maybe the subjection of civilized society to that ludicrously infectious Beyonce song “Single Girls” song. I find that quite controversial.
Elvis shakes his pelvis (1956)
He’s the man that changed the face of music forever, but however much the teens of the day adored him, the establishment was suspicious of what they deemed his lascivious ways. The New York Times is reported to have stated that “when Presley executes his bumps and grinds, it must be remembered … that even the twelve-year-old’s … curiosity may be over-stimulated.” While another renowned publication wrote that popular music “has reached its lowest depths in the ‘grunt and groin’ antics of one Elvis Presley.”
Some called his actions “sexual self-gratification on stage” and “a strip-tease with clothes on” while one state judge went so far as to call Presley a “savage,” threatening to arrest him if he shook his body while performing in his jurisdiction.
Jerry Lee Lewis marries his cousin (December 12th, 1957)
The musician’s questionable personal life was hidden from the public until 1958 when reporters finally learned that the then-23-year-old had married Myra Gale Brown, his thirteen-year-old second cousin twice removed.
The public response to the revelation became so intense it forced Lee Lewis to cancel the balance of his tour for the year. And as a result of his nefarious nuptials Lee Lewis was all but dispatched the to the trash heap of music history.
John Lennon says “More popular than Jesus.” (March 4th, 1966)
Lennon, while being interviewed for the London Evening Standard by a friend made a flippant comment that would eventually become one of his most unforgettable: “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink…. I don’t know what will go first, rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. We’re more popular than Jesus now. Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”
Despite its inflammatory nature, the piece ran to little fanfare until five months later when an American teen rag caught wind of the remarks and put part of it on the cover of its current issue.
A firestorm of protest erupted across the American South and Midwest and conservative groups staged public burnings of Beatles records and memorabilia.
In a fitting response to the inane outcry, the Beatles allegedly retorted, “They’ve got to buy them first before they burn ‘em.”
Jim Morrison says “higher” on “The Ed Sullivan Show” (September 17th, 1967)
As The Doors prepared for their critical appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in ‘67 CBS network censors approached them demanding that Morrison change the lyrics to “Light My Fire” by altering the line, “Girl, we couldn’t get much higher” to, “Girl, we couldn’t get much better.” However, Morrison sang the original line, and on live television with no delay.
Reportedly, Sullivan was incensed and refused to shake hands with any of the band. Legend tells that the band was told they would never do “The Ed Sullivan Show” again and Morrison replied, “So what? We just did the Ed Sullivan Show.”
Hells Angels murder at the Rolling Stones Concert (December 6th, 1969)
Rock ‘N Roll legend says that members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang were hired to be security at the Rolling Stones’ Free Concert in Altamont, held on December 6th, 1969.
At the event there were four deaths, the most infamous being that of Meredith Hunter. Hunter was an 18-year-old man who became embroiled in an altercation with some bikers and then drew a gun upon them. To this day no one knows if he pulled the gun before or after he was stabbed.
Meredith was stabbed five times in total and kicked to death during the Rolling Stones’ performance. His death was recorded on film by cameras shooting the film Gimme Shelter, which shows the event as the Stones performed “Under My Thumb.”
Guns N’ Roses releases “One in a Million” (November 30th, 1988)
On the “GNR Lies” EP, the lyrics to the song “One in a Million” outraged many different groups, which lead to accusations of homophobia and racism being directed towards singer and song scribe Axl Rose.
The song used the word “f—ts”, and suggested that the target of his rage was spreading “some f—-n’ disease.” It also led to the band’s exclusion from an AIDS benefit for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis at Radio City Music Hall.
In response to the accusations, Rose stated he was “pro-heterosexual” and didn’t “understand homosexuals,” saying a man had once tried to rape him.
Madonna releases the video for “Like a Prayer” (1989)
The video for Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” in which a black man who comes to the aid of a white woman is falsely arrested for a crime, unleashed a firestorm of controversy for its heretic imagery of many Catholic symbols, including the stigmata.
The video was deemed blasphemous by the Catholic Church for its blend of symbolism and eroticism. Although the video’s intent was anti-racism, Madonna was lambasted for her use of burning crosses and “making out” with Jesus.
Milli Vanilli is outed as lip-syncers (1990)
The rumors had swirled around Showbiz and in the popular consciousness for some time, but finally, in 1990, Milli Vanilli became the subject of a press conference. At the event it was announced that the winners of that year’s “Best New Artist” award had their prize revoked for misrepresenting their contributions to their own music; it had been discovered that the group’s members Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, had not performed any of the vocals on their album.
Eventually a class-action suit was filed, and those who had purchased “Girl You Know It’s True” were entitled to a rebate to compensate for the fraud. At their zenith Milli Vanilli had sold ten million albums and scored five Top Five singles (including three Number Ones) hits.
2 Live Crew’s “As Nasty as They Wanna Be” is banned (1990)
The 2 Live Crew album “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” was the rap group’s biggest hit. The success of this record owed much to its lead single “Me So Horny,” which was a song was based upon a quote from a prostitute in Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket.
Activist groups felt that the “Parental Advisory” sticker was an insufficient warning to naive buyers and wouldn’t adequately prepare them for what they would hear once they slipped the CD into their walkmans.
At it most intense, the controversy surrounding its release saw Florida law dubbing the album as “obscene,” with records stores being warned that selling the album might result in prosecution.
Eventually, the furour surrounding the release resulted in the arrest of three members of 2 Live Crew after they performed some material from the album at a live performance. They were acquitted soon thereafter.
Sinead O’Connor rips up the big guy on SNL (October 3rd, 1992)
Following her performance of Bob Marley’s “War” on “Saturday Night live” - a perforance she intended as a protest over the sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church by changing the word “racism” to “child abuse” -O’Connor presented a photo of Pope John Paul II to the crowd and audiences at home. She then proceeded to tear up the photo into pieces while saying “fight the real enemy.”
NBC’s switchboard was quickly flooded with complaints and to this day the network refuses to allow the footage to be rebroadcast. While the public was divided by the event, reaction to O’Connor’s action was generally not sympathetic. Some choose to destroy her records and many radio stations refused her airplay.
Ice-T releases “Cop Killer” on “Body Count’s self titled debut to the chagrin of Tipper Gore (March 31st, 1992)
The song, which writer and performer Ice-T called a “protest record” was written in 1990, but was partially influenced by the song “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads. Ice-T has said the song was a protest to the habitual brutality of the police in America and a cry for reform.
Despite this progressive sentiment and its protection under the band’s First Amendment rights it drew criticism from politicians at the highest level; Vice President Dan Quayle branded “Cop Killer” as “obscene” and President George H.W. Bush publicly denounced any record company that would release such a product.
Ice -T later Relented and had the song removed from later releases of the album.
Britney kisses Madonna who kisses Christina on the MTV Music Video Awards (August 28, 2003)
The 2003 MTV VMA’s kicked off on a titillating and unforgettable note. After a then-svelte Britney Spears and a pre-preggers Christina Aguilera performed Madonna’s classic “Like a Virgin,” in a manner reminiscent of Madge’s 1984 performance at the same event 20 years prior, Madonna hit the stage to deliver her new song ‘Hollywood.”
Midway through the performance she engaged in a tongue-laded kiss with both Britney and Christina.
While the establishment was temporarily shocked and the image was front page headlines the world over the following morning, the furour was short-lived.
Dixie Chicks speak out against Dubya (March 10, 2003)
During the preamble to the invasion of Iraq, and hot off their Grammy Award success, the Dixie Chicks held a concert in London, England. Towards the end of the show the band introduced their song “Travelin’ Soldier.” During this banter, Natalie Maines, a Texas native, rattled off an off the cuff remark that contain the statement, “we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.”
The comment angered country music fans and resulted in a huge financial hit to the band. What followed were a boycott of the Chicks’ music and the loss of their sponsor, Lipton.
Former Dixie fans were encouraged to bring their CDs to a demonstration where they would be crushed by a bulldozer. The hatred of the Chicks became so intense in some circles that they even received death threats and feared for their safety.
The “Wardrobe Malfunction’ (Februay 1st, 2004)
As sports fans and families alike gathered round the television for the 2004 Super Bowl Half-Time show - a normally-tepid event that had become a lame ode to musicians of yesteryear - they were treated to something extra special.
The performance featured many suggestive dance moves by performers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, but just as the song reached its final line, “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” Timberlake ripped off a part of Jackson’s costume, revealing her right breast (adorned with a large, sun-shaped nipple shield, no less).
In the immediate aftermath, CBS cut to an aerial view of the stadium, but was unable to do so before the image was beamed around the world. Many considered this indecent exposure, and conservative activists and lobby groups were outraged. The Federal Communications Commission received an unprecedented number of complaints and vowed to investigate what has since become known as the infamous “wardrobe malfunction” incident, or “Nipplegate.”
There’s a couple of paradoxes worth noting regarding the incident: Jacksons career took a serious decline, and she was compelled to publicly apologize while Timberlake seemingly made off unscathed; audiences in Canada were treated to the same sexy shenanigans yet lodged, reportedly, less than 100 complaints with the Broadcast Standards Council, whereas in the US the FCC received hundreds of thousands. Go figure.
Since 2004 the Half-Time show has become an even more egregiously tame affair.
Canadian home-grown fictionalized television is humdrum at best (think “Little Mosque,” “Flashpoint,” “Corner Gas”), but when you look at the personalities who’ve become the iconic spokespeople for the major networks on their non-fiction flagship productions, it adds insult to injury.
Here’s the 10 Most Nails-on-the-blackboard, tears-inducing Annoying of the lot. Call it an open call for their resignation. I’ve divided my despising equally among our mainstream Canadian networks, so no one can say I didn’t play fair.
Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau
Where she lurks: “eTalk,” on occasion when Canadian Content needs a boost
Nepotism rocks, right? Like all good children whose careers have been spoon fed to them by divine birthright you’re only on TV for the following reasons: a) your name is linked to a long lineage of quasi-Canadian royalty. (OK it may not be nepotism in the truest corporate sense; it’s not like daddy airlifted you into, I dunno, say, an auto parts manufacturer, a cable company or a grocery store empire) and b) you’re from that province that our doting federal governing grandparents require all good media players give some small love to. Awesome.
Rex Murphy Where he blusters: The CBC
I’m sorry. OK. I’m not really, but as good and profound as your quasi-TV investigative TV journalism is I just can’t see past the fact that you look like the unfortunate love child of Tom hanks and Sloth from “The Goonies.” While you think you’re bringing gravitas to every episode of reporting, you’re really just coming off as a blowhard. Admittedly, that special you did years ago on Steve Truscott gave me shivers, and it was probably a key factor in getting his case reopened, but I just can’t take your OTT earnestness seriously. You’ve said, “Environmentalism robs people of their judgment.” Sure, maybe, but you’re snarky smugness makes people vomit. I should name my pet parrot after you.
George Strombolopolis Where he cavorts: “The Hour” on CBC
Broheem (that’s your preferred salutation, yeah?), your shtick went out with Mosh-pitting to Tea Party at Molson Park. The black shoes and wallet chain reek of hacky sack and Sub Pop. I’ve been to a taping of “The Hour” and seen you interact with fans, so I’m inclined to give you a pass on the presumption you might be a nice guy in person. But your show and your shenanigans are better suited for Speaker’s Corner than Canadian Broadcasting. Actually, I take that back you’re the best thing on CBC this side of Coronation Street.
Leah Miller Where she plies her trade: “So You Think You Can Dance Canada”
No matter how many coats Dallas G paints on your pretty SYTYCD toes, you’re no Cat Deeley. Heck, you’re no Karen Bertelson. Remember that movie “Mean Girls”? And those snobby characters that make everyone feel bad about themselves but are in reality the most insecure and ineffectual. I can’t help but see that in you. Your faux-caring demeanour on the show isn’t even close to compelling. Super hot, yes, super talented, not even close.
Tanya Kim Where she destroys valuable air time: “eTalk”
I’ve seen you at the Brant House at those bottled-serviced TIFF after parties, I’ve seen your fake spray-on tan up close. And I neither like nor condone both. When I hear your signature “Only on eTalk” it means it’s time to hit the clicker. There’s something grating about that hip pose stance that incites hari-kari. On air, you’re a lifeless vessel of banality.
Jeanne Beker Where she dwells: “Fashion Television” mostly
Your Oscar cleavage was a good showing and well played, but unfortunate and distracting as it was I could still hear that voice, that horrific, nasally, spine-chilling cackle. When I hear that inane crow I pine for the ludicrous Fashion Television highlight reel song to take the sting away. Jeanne, can you go hide with Ziggy Lorenc, and the rest of Moses Znaimers’ freaky love children?
Rick “Will-Forever-be-The-Temp” Campanelli Where he drones: “Entertainment Tonight Canada”
Dude, you’re on TV, can you not find a Tailor/sponsor to whip you up a suit that fits your slender frame? Or do they not work in sizes that petite? The way you mimic the asinine cadence of your big sisters from ET south is ridiculous.
Maria Menounos may be your career idol, (we’re not judging) but come on man, seriously, do the world a solid, and stop cluttering our precious airwaves with your pap.
Michael Coren Where he spews: CTS, CFRB mostly
I’ll admit, philosophically and politically I dig your general train of thought on many an issue, but I just can’t stand your moral perspective on certain ones … or maybe I find you reprehensible for endorsing a nuclear attack on Iran (good one, douche). You make Bill Carroll look like a poster boy for likability.
It shocks and offends me that your CTS Talk Show is still denigrating the tube in this day and age; not so much for its subject matter but that its just so damn boring. I’d just as soon watch re-runs of “Full House.” There’s a reason you’ve been fired by CFRB 31 times.
Ben Mulroney Where he skulks: Anything CTV can get him on
Like a school boy who just got asked directions to class by the hottest chick in school, you fawned over The Crazy Cruise at the “eTalk” studios just the other week. You were veritably incandescent with glee as Tommy boy talked Valkyrie and you indulged his every absurdity. You’re yet another tribute to that awesome inclination of Canada’s big media to favour those of divine legacy, propping up stars based on name recognition over bona fide ability.
But it’s that arrogant, microphone-flipping, smugness to your on-air disposition that’s insufferable. OK, so you went rogue on “Idol” a couple of seasons back to demonstrate that you can have an opinion not crafted by your script writers, but that doesn’t get you off the hook so easy.
Lucy Zilio Where she pollutes: OMNI, local in Toronto.
Like a cat suffering in a back alley as it’s disembowelled by the bloody claws of a disgruntled raccoon, your voice and your jokes makes me want to run to mommy for protection.
Now, since I am forced to watch OMNI to satiate my desire for Simpsons and King of the Hill reruns, I think it’s unfair that your network lords you over me as it does. There’s a reason that someone started an online petition to ban you from television (http://www.petitiononline.com/banlucy/petition.html). The OMNI web site describes your segment as “Infotainment,” I describe it as just plain shyte.
Hank Moody (personified by David Duchovny), “Californication’s” self-loathing, pessimistic, black t-shirt clad cad and “mouth rapist” is a modern day seer with a keen eye for what has gone wrong in the democratization of culture. He bangs everything that moves, (though who can blame him), but yet has an endearing and puppy-dog dependence on the mother of his child.
His only real friend is Runkle, a chronic, porno star-obsessed masturbator and celebrity agent. OK, and maybe his doting daughter, with whom his relationship with (as the end of the second season finale shows) is the real focus and heart of the brilliantly-penned bit of TV pulp.
An anachronism, an enigma, and an inexplicable sentient for our contemporary cultural decay, Hank Moody, as they say, rocks. Moody, as he himself so eloquently put it, “probably won’t go down in history” but “[he] will go down on your sister.”
5. He’s well e-“quipped”
From his signature squawking “mutha-faaackkaaah” to his ironic and perfectly-timed placement of inane bites from the modern text messaging vernacular, Hank Moody is a modern day Lothario of language. This singular, eloquent essayist who’s lost in Lotus Land can turn something as puerile as “I’m gonna go Jihad on that p-ssy” or “You’re looking at me like I just finger-banged your cat” into majestic dictums, which both make us laugh and cringe while speaking volumes about the sad state of contemporary cultural discourse.
4. He’s an inadvertent Don Juan
Whether you admit or not Hank Moody is living the dream, and we duly live vicariously through him. Without even so much as a single innuendo, insinuation or seductive statement, Hank Moody hordes the West Coast snatch like Angelina does babies from West Africa. Women throw themselves at him faster than an Iraqi shoe at a Presidential press conference. And it makes us wish it were just that easy.
3. He’s pessimism’s point man with a piercing perspective on pop culture
To wit, this quote from a mock interview with punk poster boy Henry Rollins, says it all …
“Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People…they don’t write anymore - they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English.”
2. He offers no apology for imperfection
Unlike most anti-protagonist characters that show up on the dreck that inhabits the major networks’ primetime slates, Hank Moody is an unapologetic “cable boy” through and through. Much like his Showtime-mate Dexter, he doesn’t bend to the hypocritical piousness of the moral majority (check out some early reviews of “Californication”) who seem impotent when trying to enforce their misguided righteousness on these cats. While Dexter slashes and stabs his way to delayed justice, Hank f-cks, puffs and, sometimes, upchucks, his way to solace.
1. He’s got a huge weakness for his devoted daughter and enrapt ex-girlfriend
For a guy who’s main concern in life appears, on the surface at least, to be keeping up “vag-heart relations” he’s got an awful big soft spot for the two women in his life, and who can knock a guy for that? The following exchange says it all about the lengths he’ll go to prove his commitment to his goth-garbed cherub…
Becca: Father? Hank: Daughter? Becca: Can I ask you something? Hank: Anything, my love. Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? Hank: You stay right here. Becca: There’s no hair on her vagina. Do you think she’s ok? Hank: I’ll check.
A good PSA (Public Service Announcement, for those who don’t know) can advance great social good. Some, on the other hand, are tantamount to dead air.
PSAs are those nifty segments of commercial programming filler that TV channels have been airing for decades in order to do right by their viewers.
Primarily aimed at teaching youth about the risks of social evils, a relevant and carefully crafted segment can change hearts and minds, give perspective and maybe even steer the rocky ship of adolescence to the safe port of adulthood. A lame one, on the other hand, can easily wind up the target of schoolyard scorn.
Perhaps, though, there’s always been method to the madness of the lamest PSAs. One could argue the worse they are, the more we talk about them, and therefore the more The Message spreads.
From the painful, nails-on-the-blackboard ode to “Drugs, Drugs, Drugs” to the patronizingly agonizing “Saved By the Bell” vignette, what follows is a list of the worst of the worst PSAs since the 1970s.
He-Man and She-Ra (Tell Your Parents if You’ve Been Touched)
Decade
Mid 1980s
Sponsor
The Master of the Universe?
The Setup
1980s animated wunderkinds He-Man and She-Ra prattle on about not being afraid to speak up when you think you’ve been touched inappropriately.
The Message
It’s your body and no one should touch you in a way that you feel is wrong.
The Verdict
Tell your parents, counsellor, doctor, teacher or minister if you’ve been touched? Seems like an odd directive from a well-oiled man wearing nothing but a tunic and leather chest straps.
Watch
Parents who use Drugs Have Kids who use Drugs
Decade
Circa early 1970s
Sponsor
Partnership for a Drug-Free America
The Message
Parents who use drugs have kids who use drugs.
The Setup
A 13-year-old boy is air-drumming in his room when he’s deviously cornered by his unkempt old man carting a cigar box full of drugs. In the ensuing “father knows best” scenario,” he’s interrogated in short, terse tones by a father trying desperately to win him over with, uh, rationality.
The Verdict
Lame on all counts. The agent who decided it prudent to cast a mustachioed Ron Jeremy ’70s-era porn star look-a-like to dole out an anti-drug tirade should have been fired on the spot. I guess this little number chose to overlook the theory that parents who smoke are in fact less likely to have children who smoke.
Watch
Saved by the Bell (Don’t Do Drugs)
Decade
Very early 1990s
Sponsor
NBC Entertainment
The Message
There’s no hope with dope.
The Setup
The kids that were the preppy scamps of Bayside High begin by each rattling off a word that defines their view of drugs: Dumb, Stupid, Stinks, etc. to be then joined by the then-head of NBC Entertainment, Brandon Tartikoff, in a rendition of “There’s No Hope with Dope.”
The Verdict
Dumb. Stupid. Stinks. The intro to this steaming pile of sanctimonious bile took the words right out of my mouth. So infuriating was the piousness of this dreck that some speculated whether it actually prompted teens to reach for reefers to ease the pain.
Decade
Late 1980s
Sponsor
Software Publishers Association
The Setup
Two teens are pecking away at a rad computer game on their classroom’s Commodore 64 when Kid A inserts a floppy disc of a game he says he has “copied.” As soon as the game boots (quite quickly for a game of the era, mind you) the screen is overtaken by a digital rapping watchdog who rhymes out an extended imperative to “not copy that floppy” before introducing the tech geeks behind the gaming industry.
The Message
Copying video games is stealing.
The Verdict
Copying video games didn’t bring down the video game industry, in fact it inspired creative solutions and innovation - and now the sector is bigger than ever. What’s more did this really need to be a nine-minute diatribe from a barely legible buffoon? He does do a mean running man, though.
Watch
Drugs, Drugs, Drugs (Which are good, which are bad?)
Decade
Early 1990s
Sponsor
Health Canada
The Setup
On an austere white backdrop, what appear to be a mom and a dad and about nine five-year-olds get jiggy dancing in circles with various medical paraphernalia. They sing “Drugs, drugs, drugs” over and over and over and over. Hilarity ensues.
The Message
Some drugs are good, some are bad.
The Verdict
If you’re not humming this infectious harmony in your head for hours after a couple of exposures to this little bit of inanity, you’re not human. OK, so it successfully hardwires itself into your noodle, but does anyone else find it odd that these kids sing so merrily about drugs, drugs, drugs? And why does that mustachioed man in the red sweater seem so suspicious? NOTE: At the 25-second mark one kid picks his nose - vigorously.
Watch
Star Wars (Anti-smoking)
Decade
Late 1970s
Sponsor
A message from a distant galaxy far, far away.
The Setup
Droid C3P0 catches his life partner R2D2 secretly puffing a Marlboro in back, and tersely admonishes him that it’s bad for his … heart (?).
The Message
Don’t smoke.
The Verdict
I don’t know about you, but I cannot think of anything more asininely dim than the sight of R2D2 stealing away for a clandestine ciggy in the loading bay. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have C3P0 drag down on the cancer stick, given that, oh, he has arms?
Watch
G.I. Joe PSAs (Don’t run away from home)
Decade
1980s
Sponsor
G.I. Joe
The Setup
A boy in a pink toque and a backpack heads out into the brush to run away from home because, and I quote, his parents are “mean.” First he’s encouraged on his voyage of desperate solitude by a random stranger but is then given some sage advice by a sailor with a parrot on his shoulder. The boy reconsiders and agrees there’s no place like home.
The Message
Knowing is half the battle.
The Verdict
While there were dozens of these GI-Joe PSAs this one qualifies as the most ridiculous. It’s hard to take a cartoon sailor (who likely ran away from home himself when he was young) with a parrot on his shoulder seriously.
Watch
Take a hit, Davy
Decade
Mid 1980s
Sponsor
The National Institute of Drug Abuse
The Setup
Three older lads are huddled around their hookah in a nondescript bedroom, when younger Davy comes snooping. He’s given the quick brush off until one boy teases him to “take a hit.” Davy emphatically replies “no” and the world is once again set right.
The Message
Drugs are bad.
The Verdict
Lame in every sense of the word, this cheesy PSA sends a mixed message. One minute the older boys are ready to do a deep dive into their doobies, the next they are praising Davy for his fortitude. Huh?
Watch
Armless Astar the War Amps Robot from the Planet Danger
Decade
Mid-to-late 1990s
Sponsor
The War Amps
The Setup
Mechanical Astar leaps and jumps through dangerous machinery of all types before getting his robotic arm hacked off. As the segment climaxes, Astar issues his imperative to play safe lest you loose an arm.
The Message
Robots can replace arms, people cannot.
The Verdict
Poor special effects that probably put the association’s yearly marketing budget into deficit mark this as one of the most ineffective announcements aimed at children. It’s too fantastic and gives no real context to the dangers it alludes to. And spending 30 seconds with Astar is less agreeable than a dinner party at Ann Coulter’s.
Real men don’t cry, right? Heck, they don’t show any emotion at all. The average guy is a rock steady super-human, who, in the infamous words of Dennis Leary, is a “suburbanized slob” who likes “football and porno and books about war.” Indeed.
So, following that line, men definitely don’t cry during movies. Instead, it is said, at the most they get “choked” up. Getting “choked up” is infinitely more manly and far more accepted than crying.
In honour of this sentiment, we’ve compiled a list of the 25 most moving movie moments for men. What follows is a hallowed list of films, each with a special moment or scene during which time even the most ardent purveyor of masculinity may lose his cool, experience an emphatic shiver or maybe even have to wipe away a gentle trickle from the side of his stubbly cheek.
The common thread, while not unanimous, though, seems to be something to do with brotherhood, bonding and shared experience. So, on that note, prepare to get, well, choked up.
Woman: “Are YOU crying?” Man: “Sniff; no, no, I just got some of this, ah, zesty popcorn powder in my eye. Uh, yeah. I’ll be fine.”
The following is listed in no particular order, but we’re warning you, have your hanky handy …
———————————————————————————
Ray plays catch with his old man in ‘Field of Dreams’
The moment
Ray (Kevin Costner) reconciles and reunites with his dead father at sunset on the field he was “inspired to build.”
Why we get choked
Watching a middle-aged son have a last opportunity to reconcile with his dead father is hard not to take to heart.
USA 1, Soviet Union nil in ‘Rocky IV’
The moment
Rocky beats the Russian Übermensch Ivan Drago to a blistery pulp in a 15-round death match presided over closely by Soviet bureaucrats and American politicians. Circa 1985, it’s superpower domination cloaked as buddy revenge.
Why we get choked
It’s the most ostentatious of the “Rocky” flicks, coming at the height of Glasnost and perestroika that had begun to illustrate the cracks in the socialist regime. This brilliant display of that classical dialectic of the natural male versus the cyborg human gets us going every time.
Chuckie tells Will where it’s at in ‘Good Will Hunting’
The moment
Best friend Chuckie Sullivan has finally had enough of Will Hunting’s self pit, and erupts in a moment of passion and wisdom: “No, no, no, no. F–k you, you don’t owe it to yourself, you owe it to me, cause tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 50, and I’ll still be doin’ this s–t. And that’s all right. That’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winnin’ lottery ticket. You’re too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that’s bulls–t. Cause I’d do f–kin’ anything to have what you got. So would any of these f–kin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years. Hangin’ around here is a f–kin’ waste of your time.”
Why we get choked
Despite sharing so many of our best times together, male bonding never usually scratches that emotional surface and sees one friend tell the other why they may respect or admire them. It’s often a tacit understanding. When we see and hear this happen on screen it’s a cathartic experience.
Mr. Smith collapses in ‘Mr Smith goes to Washington’
The moment
Smith’s collapses after delivering a 24-hour filibuster that gets Senator Paine to finally admit his dishonesty.
Why we get choked
While this Capra film is quaint by today’s standards, there’s something so very good and sincere at its core that we can’t help but get swallowed up by its genuineness. Its impact resides in the fact that as viewers we know that its earnestness was more than just a ploy to sell tickets but a deep belief held by the creator.
Elias raises his hands to god in ‘Platoon’
The moment
Sgt. Elias staggers out of the jungle after being shot by sociopathic Sgt. Barnes and left for dead in the Vietnamese jungle - his arms outstretched upwards in slow-motion in a sacrificial, crucifixion pose (while Samuel Barber’s Adagio For Strings is played) as he is repeatedly shot by VC enemy forces - viewed from a chopper overhead
Why we get choked
If Elias represents that humanist archetype that is the one source of sanity in a world of insanity, his demise in “Platoon” is a haunting metaphor for the death of reason. Just as we’ve come to love Elias as the sole voice of justice in a quagmire of lunacy he’s carried away.
The silent understanding of brothers in ‘Rain Man’
The moment
Before the brothers bid each other an emotional farewell at the Amtrak train station and they say their final, albeit temporary goodbyes, they share a rare moment of understanding as they sit along in the lawyer’s office. Autistic and isolated Ray slowly touches his head with his brother Charlie’s in a rare moment of emotional connection.
Why we get choked
This subtle moment indelibly captures the inimitable bond that is now shared between these brothers, despite their communicative distance. It’s a soft yet not overwrought semiotic, which, in a short moment, defines that unspoken dependence shared by virtually all brothers.
The lone hero returns in ‘Star Wars’
The moment
Alone in his X-Wing fighter approaching his last opportunity to destroy the Death Star, Luke Skywalker is caught in the gun sights of the evil Darth Vader. As Vader methodically proclaims “I have you now,” an unexpected laser blast followed by an unmistakable “Yoo-hoo” sends Vader and his Tie Fighter into space. Han Solo has returned at the 11th hour to save the day.
Why we get choked
It’s a classic moment of inimitable self-sacrifice that get’s us all shivery every time. Pure cliché, pure pulp. pure joy.
Absolution meets innocence at the end of ‘The Shawshank Redemption’
The moment
After a now-free Red briefly contemplates suicide the scene slowly cuts to him boarding a bus, breaking his parole agreement to head to an unknown destination. We hope patiently that we know where he is going. On a secluded beachfront we see a peaceful Andy Dufresne crafting his boat as Red slowly walks to meet him.
Why we get choked
As Andy recognizes the approaching figure he stands to meet his longtime friend, yet no words are exchanged. Their knowing smiles speak volumes about the power of hope, friendship and redemption. You either get busy livin,’ or get busy dyin’. Enough said.
The dead birds in ‘On the Waterfront’
The moment
Terry picks up one of his beloved dead pigeons on the roof of his apartment, after a bloody fight with corrupt union boss Johnny Friendly.
Why we get choked
Terry was a prize fighter who “coulda been somebody” but instead he took a fall, and the only things he now has left to love in the empty world is his coop of flying friends. As he laments their assassination, Brando makes us sympathize with this bruised giant. It’s far more powerful than the celebrated “contenda” scene.
The mercy killing of McMurphy in ‘One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest’
The moment
Chief Bromden’s suffocation/mercy killing of his lobotomized friend and his escape from the mental institution by throwing an immovable sink through a window.
Why we get choked
McMurphy (Jack Nicolson) is the lone voice of the patients in this sterile environment of rigid authority. Where drugs, treatment and therapy have failed, McMurphy’s death at the hands of his friend suggests the notion that perhaps the only path to true freedom for the souls in the institution is transference to the afterlife.
Joe Buck cradles a dying Ratso in ‘Midnight Cowboy’
The moment
Their poignant Florida-bound bus trip when Ratso expires in Joe’s arms in the back of the bus.
Why we get choked
These two hapless drifters have no one but each other and their own naive and impractical dreams - right to the very end. But, nonetheless, they have dreams and what’s more American that that?
The death of the big man in ‘Little Caesar’
The moment
Rico is shot down behind a roadside billboard, and his final cry: “Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?”
Why we get choked
Similar to the ending of “The Public Enemy,” where Cagney is delivered dead and enshrouded at his mother’s door, the ending of this early talkie still makes us feel for this distraught hero who had mother issues.
‘Gangs of New York’ ends with a modern message
The moment
The final hand-locked scene with a dying Leonardo and Daniel Day Lewis overlooking the pre-9/11 NYC.
Why we get choked
The lasting final image defines an irascible city of inhabitants that was borne from struggle and strife and that will continue to evolve through more of the same.
Doughboy takes his half-brother home in ‘Boyz ‘N the Hood’
The moment
Right after getting into a fistfight with his half-brother Ricky (Morris Chestnut), Darin ‘Doughboy’ Baker (rap star Ice Cube) must take his sibling’s bullet-riddled dead body home to their mother.
Why we get choked
We’ve followed these boys from adolescence to their premature adulthood in this hell town known as South Central in 1991. Just as Ricky is about to turn his life to something positive, he’s the victim of a drive-by of which Doughboy was the intended target. After Doughboy and his crew achieve retribution, it’s an ironic justice that lingers with him - and us.
1. A Romulan baddie that looks to Mike Tyson for decorative body art inspiration? All that face tattooing looks ridiculous. With that bald head and dumb sorcerer’s ass staff, he looks and sounds more like Merlin from “Excalibur” with a Ukrainian lilt than galactic villain numero uno. Mind you, Romulans do have big, tasty-looking ears. Oh, and he’s a Romulan named Nero? Has the creative well run that dry? Let me guess they are “saving” the Klingons for the bigger, badder sequel?
2. Winona Ryder as Spock’s mother. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. And More Dumb. Granted “Heathers” was released in 1988, but come on is she (and by consequence me) that old? Couldn’t they have found someone really, really, really old like Teri Hatcher to do it? I hope Kraft services locked up their tableware between takes or production could go into overrun.
3. If we have learned anything from George “ruined-my-youth” and “stole my money” Lucas, it’s that prequels to established franchises generally suck. Because, well we know the destination and are usually bored by the ride to it. Especially when they start out with lifeless, blonde preteen twigs.
4. Judging by the trailer the refreshed “Star Trek” is a blow ‘em up piece of space refuse aimed at the “Twilight” drones, and not a cerebral and allegorical consideration of xenophobia, colonial interventionism and discovery - that would have been too timely and relevant.
5. Let’s. [Pause]. Be. [Pause]. Honest. [Pause]. Shatner was no man’s man, but this tool Chris Pine (who plays the new Kirk) is straight from the Spencer Pratt school of douchiness. Clearly a degenerate pussy who is “snuck aboard the Enterprise” for its maiden voyage – blech.
6. The inside of the Enterprise now looks overpopulated, disorganized and hyperkinetic, to quote one source who has seen the extended preview. What’s more infuriating is the bridge looks like it was styled by Steve Jobs’ industrial designer. Come on, it’s the 23rd Century not the Apple Store in Manhattan circa 2002.
7. It’s taking too many liberties with the Roddenberry character definitions: Kirk was a nut for horses more than horsepower, he banged everything he could get his hands on (granted the jury is still out on this in the new version), and he was an self absorbed pri@k who was happy to use his endless supply of Red-Shirted grunts as bait. More importantly, I am pretty sure I saw the new Spock getting all emo on Kirk’s spunky ass in the trailer. Enough said.
8. It’s written and directed by JJ Abrams, the king of the let down. “Cloverfield.” Sucked. “Mission Impossible: 3.” Sucked. Season 3 of “Lost.” Every episode of “Alias.” Sucked. Apparently, the only thing quality he can churn out are teaser trailers … the “Star Trek” teaser with the JFK speech overlaid as The Enterprise underwent construction was dark, ominous and altogether positively riveting (pun intended). “Coverfield’s” sleek and foreboding “no monster show” piqued our curiosity. Both amazingly employed the more is less approach to great effect. Unfortunately, “Cloverfield” was a nauseating shame and “Mission Impossible: 3″ a waste of space.
OK, so Letterman had the cast on to give a sarcastic top ten list of reasons to watch the last season of “Battlestar Galactica” while back.
13. Most “Jaw Dropping”: Amy Smart in “Mirrors”
12. Most debated: Alyssa Milano in “Pathology”
11. Most infuriating: Penelope Cruz in “Elegy”
10. Most gratuitous: Eliza Dushku in “The Alphabet Killer”
9. Most Heather Graham in ‘08: Heather Graham in “Adrift in Manhattan”
8. Most waited for: Anna Paquin in “True Blood”
7. Most painful to wait for: Keira Knightley in “Silk”
6. Most redundant because we see them all the time: Kate Winslet in “The Reader”
5. Most ruined by nasty hair: Natalie Portman in “Hotel Chevalier”
4. Most career humiliating: Neve Campbell in “I Really Hate My Job”
3. Most Forn-shadowing: Laura Ramsey in “The Ruins”
2. Most desperate attempt by Septuagenarian director to see some Orange County skin: Mischa Barton in “Closing the Ring”
1. Most, bestest: Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler”
From its drained color palette and frozen and bleak late ‘70s Swedish winter setting, this low budget parable takes vampirism seriously and asks the question: what if I were an awkward 13 year-old vampire, alone, with no friends, what would it be like? Its simple plot draws parallels with real life and offers a super cool finale.
Make no mistake there’s absolutely nothing funny about anything in this Michael Haneke remake of his own Austrian film chronicling the torment and murder of an entire family in the Hamptons. I loved this one for the tension and awkwardness evoked by the two creepy white clad villains. When you get to the famous “rewind scene” it’s when the movie shines, and catches you up in the very trap of exploitative and violent culture it’s trying to expose. It’s “Straw Dogs” but with out the shotgun retribution.
I don’t know about you, but I love pretty much all movies made by European filmmakers that are set in Soviet-era Eastern Bloc nations. There’s just something about the bitter coldness, the grey drabness and utter malaise of the mise-en-scene that adds a gravitas and weight to the subject matter that American movies just can’t hit right. This one, set mid ‘80s Hungary centers on the attempt of a pregnant student and her friend to acquire an illegal abortion, and the depths they have to get it? There’s an impactful scene that shows the “doctor” preparing for the procedure with an unmoving camera that is harrowing. Is this movie a metaphor for the effects communism has on the human spirit? Or a testament to that spirit itself?
This brilliant and artistic film chronicles the final weeks in the life of Irish Republican Hunger Striker Bobby Sands in the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland in the early ‘80s. As Sands wastes away in an effort to bring international sentiment against the occupying British, the movie not only biographies the inmates’ brutal treatment but considers the weight of the prison experience on the guards as well as the prisoners. For me what made this movie shines is the 20 minute conversation between Sands and his priest in which they debate the religious and political virtues of his planned strike (shot with a singe, unmoving, camera angle) and the grisly final 20 minutes without any dialogue at all.
A by-the-book story but with an amazing gimmick that on the surface sounds ridiculous, but watching I found to be a captivating experience. By now everyone knows the plot of this ingenious story, but the movie is a brilliant showcase of the two Indias that currently coexist: the modern call centre utopia of the upwardly mobile and educated and filthy slums of low caste civilians who’ll never get the chance to live their dreams, or for that matter aren’t afforded the luxury of having dreams.
Some may consider this a 2007 movie, but I saw it this year so on the list it goes. Not only does it give me the chance to see some pretty nifty sexual acrobatics, it is also a pretty intense espionage thriller set in WWII-era Shanghai, in which a young woman must first deceive then arrange the set up for the murder of a powerful political figure. Like all Ang Lee (“Hulk,” “Brokeback Mountain,” etc.) movies this is about outsiders trying to fit in to the culture to which they were born. You need patience for this slow moving one, but its worth it, and besides every frame looks like a Renoir.
Sure Anne Hathaway (hot) is getting all the Oscar attention as a recovering addict in this one about Rachel’s wedding day, but the movie isn’t really about her at all, it’s a metaphor for a country like American coming to terms and getting comfy with its multiracial status. It highlights the cool parts of weddings that are less about God and more about celebrating two people getting hitched and sharing the experience with family and friends.
Now this is a cool heist movie that stays focused on what it is, and what it’s suppose to be, about. And to that end it avoids the gimmicky showboaty editing and art direction seen in so many American and Guy Ritchie movies and just drives its narrative forward in clear, certain terms. It offers a touch of political intrigue without getting overly complicated and convoluted (apparently it is based on a true story that MI5 had buried in 1971) and gives us the mechanics of the operation in trusted genre fashion without denying plausibility. Brilliant, efficient movie making.
He’s the man that changed the face of music forever, but however much the teens of the day adored him, the establishment was suspicious of what they deemed his lascivious ways. The New York Times is reported to have stated that “when Presley executes his bumps and grinds, it must be remembered … that even the twelve-year-old’s … curiosity may be over-stimulated.” While another renowned publication wrote that popular music “has reached its lowest depths in the ‘grunt and groin’ antics of one Elvis Presley.”
The musician’s questionable personal life was hidden from the public until 1958 when reporters finally learned that the then-23-year-old had married Myra Gale Brown, his thirteen-year-old second cousin twice removed.
Lennon, while being interviewed for the London Evening Standard by a friend made a flippant comment that would eventually become one of his most unforgettable: “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink…. I don’t know what will go first, rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. We’re more popular than Jesus now. Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”
As The Doors prepared for their critical appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in ‘67 CBS network censors approached them demanding that Morrison change the lyrics to “Light My Fire” by altering the line, “Girl, we couldn’t get much higher” to, “Girl, we couldn’t get much better.” However, Morrison sang the original line, and on live television with no delay.
Rock ‘N Roll legend says that members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang were hired to be security at the Rolling Stones’ Free Concert in Altamont, held on December 6th, 1969.
On the “GNR Lies” EP, the lyrics to the song “One in a Million” outraged many different groups, which lead to accusations of homophobia and racism being directed towards singer and song scribe Axl Rose.
The video for Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” in which a black man who comes to the aid of a white woman is falsely arrested for a crime, unleashed a firestorm of controversy for its heretic imagery of many Catholic symbols, including the stigmata.
The rumors had swirled around Showbiz and in the popular consciousness for some time, but finally, in 1990, Milli Vanilli became the subject of a press conference. At the event it was announced that the winners of that year’s “Best New Artist” award had their prize revoked for misrepresenting their contributions to their own music; it had been discovered that the group’s members Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, had not performed any of the vocals on their album.
The 2 Live Crew album “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” was the rap group’s biggest hit. The success of this record owed much to its lead single “Me So Horny,” which was a song was based upon a quote from a prostitute in Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket.
Following her performance of Bob Marley’s “War” on “Saturday Night live” - a perforance she intended as a protest over the sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church by changing the word “racism” to “child abuse” -O’Connor presented a photo of Pope John Paul II to the crowd and audiences at home. She then proceeded to tear up the photo into pieces while saying “fight the real enemy.”
The song, which writer and performer Ice-T called a “protest record” was written in 1990, but was partially influenced by the song “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads. Ice-T has said the song was a protest to the habitual brutality of the police in America and a cry for reform.
The 2003 MTV VMA’s kicked off on a titillating and unforgettable note. After a then-svelte Britney Spears and a pre-preggers Christina Aguilera performed Madonna’s classic “Like a Virgin,” in a manner reminiscent of Madge’s 1984 performance at the same event 20 years prior, Madonna hit the stage to deliver her new song ‘Hollywood.”
During the preamble to the invasion of Iraq, and hot off their Grammy Award success, the Dixie Chicks held a concert in London, England. Towards the end of the show the band introduced their song “Travelin’ Soldier.” During this banter, Natalie Maines, a Texas native, rattled off an off the cuff remark that contain the statement, “we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.”
As sports fans and families alike gathered round the television for the 2004 Super Bowl Half-Time show - a normally-tepid event that had become a lame ode to musicians of yesteryear - they were treated to something extra special.
Nepotism rocks, right? Like all good children whose careers have been spoon fed to them by divine birthright you’re only on TV for the following reasons: a) your name is linked to a long lineage of quasi-Canadian royalty. (OK it may not be nepotism in the truest corporate sense; it’s not like daddy airlifted you into, I dunno, say, an auto parts manufacturer, a cable company or a grocery store empire) and b) you’re from that province that our doting federal governing grandparents require all good media players give some small love to. Awesome.
I’m sorry. OK. I’m not really, but as good and profound as your quasi-TV investigative TV journalism is I just can’t see past the fact that you look like the unfortunate love child of Tom hanks and Sloth from “The Goonies.” While you think you’re bringing gravitas to every episode of reporting, you’re really just coming off as a blowhard. Admittedly, that special you did years ago on Steve Truscott gave me shivers, and it was probably a key factor in getting his case reopened, but I just can’t take your OTT earnestness seriously. You’ve said, “Environmentalism robs people of their judgment.” Sure, maybe, but you’re snarky smugness makes people vomit. I should name my pet parrot after you.
Broheem (that’s your preferred salutation, yeah?), your shtick went out with Mosh-pitting to Tea Party at Molson Park. The black shoes and wallet chain reek of hacky sack and Sub Pop. I’ve been to a taping of “The Hour” and seen you interact with fans, so I’m inclined to give you a pass on the presumption you might be a nice guy in person. But your show and your shenanigans are better suited for Speaker’s Corner than Canadian Broadcasting. Actually, I take that back you’re the best thing on CBC this side of Coronation Street.
No matter how many coats Dallas G paints on your pretty SYTYCD toes, you’re no Cat Deeley. Heck, you’re no Karen Bertelson. Remember that movie “Mean Girls”? And those snobby characters that make everyone feel bad about themselves but are in reality the most insecure and ineffectual. I can’t help but see that in you. Your faux-caring demeanour on the show isn’t even close to compelling. Super hot, yes, super talented, not even close.
I’ve seen you at the Brant House at those bottled-serviced TIFF after parties, I’ve seen your fake spray-on tan up close. And I neither like nor condone both. When I hear your signature “Only on eTalk” it means it’s time to hit the clicker. There’s something grating about that hip pose stance that incites hari-kari. On air, you’re a lifeless vessel of banality.
Your Oscar cleavage was a good showing and well played, but unfortunate and distracting as it was I could still hear that voice, that horrific, nasally, spine-chilling cackle. When I hear that inane crow I pine for the ludicrous Fashion Television highlight reel song to take the sting away. Jeanne, can you go hide with Ziggy Lorenc, and the rest of Moses Znaimers’ freaky love children?
Dude, you’re on TV, can you not find a Tailor/sponsor to whip you up a suit that fits your slender frame? Or do they not work in sizes that petite? The way you mimic the asinine cadence of your big sisters from ET south is ridiculous.
I’ll admit, philosophically and politically I dig your general train of thought on many an issue, but I just can’t stand your moral perspective on certain ones … or maybe I find you reprehensible for endorsing a nuclear attack on Iran (good one, douche). You make Bill Carroll look like a poster boy for likability.
Like a school boy who just got asked directions to class by the hottest chick in school, you fawned over The Crazy Cruise at the “eTalk” studios just the other week. You were veritably incandescent with glee as Tommy boy talked Valkyrie and you indulged his every absurdity. You’re yet another tribute to that awesome inclination of Canada’s big media to favour those of divine legacy, propping up stars based on name recognition over bona fide ability.
Like a cat suffering in a back alley as it’s disembowelled by the bloody claws of a disgruntled raccoon, your voice and your jokes makes me want to run to mommy for protection.
Hank Moody (personified by David Duchovny), “Californication’s” self-loathing, pessimistic, black t-shirt clad cad and “mouth rapist” is a modern day seer with a keen eye for what has gone wrong in the democratization of culture. He bangs everything that moves, (though who can blame him), but yet has an endearing and puppy-dog dependence on the mother of his child.
Ray plays catch with his old man in ‘Field of Dreams’
USA 1, Soviet Union nil in ‘Rocky IV’
Chuckie tells Will where it’s at in ‘Good Will Hunting’
Mr. Smith collapses in ‘Mr Smith goes to Washington’
Elias raises his hands to god in ‘Platoon’
The silent understanding of brothers in ‘Rain Man’
The lone hero returns in ‘Star Wars’
Absolution meets innocence at the end of ‘The Shawshank Redemption’
The dead birds in ‘On the Waterfront’
The mercy killing of McMurphy in ‘One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest’
Joe Buck cradles a dying Ratso in ‘Midnight Cowboy’
The death of the big man in ‘Little Caesar’
‘Gangs of New York’ ends with a modern message
Doughboy takes his half-brother home in ‘Boyz ‘N the Hood’
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